I Fucked the Law and the…Law Won
Sex and the law have always had a tenuous relationship in the US. Lawmakers have consistently tried to charge pornographers with ‘obscenity’ which carries all kinds of harsh penalties in most states. It all got substantially more complex in 1973 with the Miller vs California decision by the Supreme Court. In that case, the highest court in the land ruled that obscenity would heretofore (had to throw in a legal term here just for authenticity) be defined as whether the ‘average person’ would find that the offending porn;
- Appeals to the prurient interest
- Depicts or describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by the applicable state law; and
- Lack serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value
Any average people out there want to weigh in? So basically the supreme court punted and told the states, counties, and cities that it was their problem, and that porno-nastiness would be judged in the eye of the beholder based on the ‘Community Standards’ of where the offending adult DVD was purchased. As you can imagine, this presents some problems for pornographers, because that anal DVD that is so hot in Chicago may get you a year in jail in Charlottesville. Thanks to the efforts of people like Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt, and Bob Guccione, naked women turned out to be way more popular than the opinions of uptight lawmakers and obscenity convictions are today about as common as condoms at a lesbian wedding. While laws governing obscenity in XXX movies have been defined…sort of, laws governing HOW consenting adults can legally have sex have never been litigated at the federal level. With no nanny-state guidance on what constitutes acceptable coitus, most states make it up as they go, and many still have archaic sex laws on the books. Here’s some of the weirdest, starting with my state – California.
If you believed that us kale-munching commies in California are all sexually evolved…you’d be wrong. Adultery is still against the law here, and “stuffed articles made to look like breasts” (boob pillows?) cannot be sold within 1000 feet of a highway. Don’t even try it! Finally repealed in 1972, a Los Angeles law allowed a husband to beat his wife, providing the strap he used was not more than 2 inches wide. If his wife consented to a wider strap, he was OK. And just last week, Sacramento made ‘stealthing’, the act of removing a condom during sex without your partner’s knowledge or consent, illegal. Enter the condom police.
Sodomy (hilariously also known as ‘buggery’) is a catch-all term that many states use to ban all kinds of delightfully kinky sex acts. It is broadly defined as sex between any two people that is for ‘non-creational reasons’. Until someone conceives a butt-baby, that puts anal sex right at the top, but it doesn’t stop there. If you want to bugger your babe orally for instance, you’re breaking the law in Indiana, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Pennsylvania, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Utah, North Carolina, Virginia, Tennessee and of all places San Francisco. (If you want to empty your bowels on the sidewalk however, you’re golden in the city by the bay.)
Utah is rich in head-scratching sex laws like this one: if you’re considering marrying your 1st cousin, Utah requires men to wait until they’re 65. You can’t have sex in Utah while riding in an ambulance, and don’t even think about masturbating! It’s illegal in the entire state. The good news is that consummating your love with an animal is totally acceptable, providing that it’s not for profit.
Speaking of animals, Minnesota bans men from copulating with a live fish. No mention is made of recently deceased fishes, or ladies under the spell of a seductive crappie. Clawson, Michigan however is the place to be for all you barnyard fornicators. Getting randy with pigs, cows, horses, goats and even chickens is legal, but don’t try this in West Virginia. They only allow adventurous men to have sex with animals that do not weigh more than 40 pounds, which leaves most of old McDonald’s beasts of burden out. In the ‘only in Florida’ category, you cannot legally have sex with a porcupine anywhere in the state. And I was thinking of retiring there.
Local governments have even tried to regulate where animals can have sex with each other. In Alaska, Moose are not allowed to bang on city streets, whereas in Ventura, CA it’s OK for dogs and cats to get it on provided they have the proper city permit. Here in Los Angeles, animals are not allowed to copulate within 1500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Public displays of animal affection are banned as well. My dog who humps anything with a pulse, is clearly living on the edge.
Missouri has committed the travesty of making side-boob and under-boob illegal in public, and in Iowa kisses can legally last no longer than 5 minutes. In Hadden township NJ, even flirting in public is against the law. Indiana has a law forbidding boners in public and in Mississippi, it is against the law to even explain polygamy to someone. (I could never explain why any man would want to deal with 10 wives anyway) In Texas you can own up to 6 dildos, but none can resemble a penis. That’s generous compared to Arizona where more than 2 dildos in your house will land you in the slammer and no, they won’t let you take any of your dildos with you.
In Alabama, it is against the law for a woman who loses a game of pool to settle the tab with sex. And you can’t even seduce her later… if you use deception, flattery, arts, temptation or a promise of marriage you can be charged with a crime. Better stick with darts. Ladies – In Tennessee, it is illegal to throttle your hubby’s little general if he’s operating a motor vehicle. South Dakota makes it illegal to use a covered wagon for prostitution (I hear open wagons are better anyway). It’s worse in Virginia where they’ve outlawed sex in a car regardless of where it’s parked. In Washington strippers cannot wear devices which simulate pubic hair, and if you give a prostitute a ride to work they’ll seize your car. When you get it back, drive to the strippers place and seize her fake pubes.
Wyoming does not allow sex in a walk-in freezer (no shrinkage in WY apparently) In New Hampshire you cannot legally hang your lingerie on a clothesline near any airport. (Safety first!) In Cottonwood AZ, if you get caught having sex in a car with a flat, you’ll be fined. If you’re boinking in the BACK seat, the fine is doubled. In Oxford Illinois it’s against the law for a woman to strip in front of a picture of a man. I think we can all agree that it shouldn’t be illegal for a woman to strip anywhere.
And my personal favorite: In Connersville Wisconsin, a man cannot legally fire a gun while his partner is climaxing. Now where’s the fun in that?
JB