My Girlfriend won’t watch Adult DVDs with me

Woman Looking at computer with shocked expression.

Ok we hear this pretty often, and the first thing we ask is ‘What KIND of porn are you trying to get her to watch?” If you’re thinking that sitting down for a romantic evening with your babe and putting on ‘Cum Dumpsters’, ‘Fuck my ass and call me names’, or even Hustler’s flagship series ‘Barely Legal’ it’s going to be an early awkward evening, and you may spend most of it on the couch by yourself. Before his untimely death, comedian Sam Kinison had a bit where he mimicked a porn girl slathering her face in cum while moaning with delight. He then chastised the men in the audience for expecting their wives and girlfriends to behave that way. Even I, with my years of experience in all things nasty felt compelled to warn my nephews when they turned 18, found out what I did and wanted some free adult DVDs, to: “Please keep in mind that the sex in porn is fiction. It doesn’t represent the way most people have sex with each other, and you shouldn’t assume girls you date will behave like this.” They completely blew off my concerns as they rifled through the box of DVDs I’d brought for them, assuring me they knew the difference. But did they? Do you?

 

Most of us realize that men are more attuned to visual stimuli, and women are more intuitive and respond better to emotive cues. This presents a conundrum for dudes who get off on hardcore porn and want their significant others to share some good old ham-slamming-face-spraying action with them. Don’t get me wrong. Some of the most hardcore people I’ve ever met were women, and whenever I was fortunate enough to cross paths with them I was thrilled…and terrified. But the good news is, even the most sexually timid women can be coaxed into hose-beast behavior with some subtlety and patience. But understand that the quickest route to coital co-mingling never includes putting in a 4 hour compilation DVD of chicks being face-frosted with nut butter. In fact, unless you’ve landed that mythical tantric creature of horndog fantasies – the raging nymphomaniac who is smart, talented, beautiful, and simply LOVES to be tied up, ass-reamed and showered with man sauce, you have to be careful what images you spring on her, if the end goal is sex. For many women, the biggest turn on in the world is listening skills…something men are notoriously bad at.

 

Here’s a couple things you can count on as immediate sexual turn-offs for most women.

  1. Butt-Fucking – In the real world, the number of women who crave anal sex is actually pretty small. Millennials may be infamous for ass-licking, but ass fucking is a different ball of wax altogether, and in my experience it’s about as popular with women as a gynecological exam…maybe less. “But wait! My girl loves to be sphincter-plumbed, especially when I’m dressed up in my ‘my little pony’ costume.” I believe you, God bless you, and stop bragging about it.
  2. Facial cumshots – It’s a rare woman that wants you to pull out right when things are going exceptionally well and position yourself to blow your load on her forehead. Again, I’ve heard the stories of cum-slathering nymphos who worship love-lotion like manna from heaven, but most of them were told by porn people who don’t really count in any discussion of the real world.
  3. Lesbians – This is truly unfortunate, but there are a lot of straight women who don’t enjoy watching two chicks get naked and give each other a vigorous tongue bath. I get it. It seems counter intuitive to us straight men who are way beyond OK with hot naked lesbians, but imagine watching gay sex with men…and you’ll understand the problem. Avoid movies with extensive lesbian scenes if you’re trying to get laid by a straight woman.
  4. Slapping-Spitting-humiliating etc. Except for BDSM movies where abuse is part of the fantasy, this kind of rough sex is not what most women want to watch. It may also have the unintended consequence of convincing your girlfriend that you’re a closet sexual assaulter as well. In addition, if you get off on this kind of porn, you may be a budding young asshole. Grow up and learn how to respect women.
  5. Barely Legal – Ok I know I’m going to get some disagreement on this, but unless your girl is barely legal herself, women respond poorly to feeling ‘old’ even if they’re gorgeous…and you tell them so often. Trust me on this one and save the DVDs of hyper-sexual 18-year-old tarts for the nights she’s ‘out with the girls’. Don’t even keep them in the house.

 

What’s left you ask? Well, lots of good porn that’s what. You want to seduce your girl and get her all hot and bothered with an adult DVD? Try Marc Dorcel, Sweet Sinner, Dane Jones, Deeper, Vixen, Massage titles, Babes, and any of the features from Zero Tolerance and Third Degree. And whatever you do, don’t forget to listen!

JB

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