Now that I’ve laid my favorites bare to the world inviting criticism from all directions, it’s time to go a step further and identify the porn you should avoid at all costs. This is an easy post as all of the candidates are stuck in my brain for all the wrong reasons. Enjoying porn requires some effort on the part of your imagination. Hopefully we all understand that adult DVDs bear little resemblance to the real world, and yet we have no problem suspending our disbelief for the sake of a good time, not to mention expediency. Therefore, it’s best not to tempt fate with a DVD that may destroy your ability to make sweet (if make-believe) love at the touch of a button. With that in mind –
You should never watch a ‘bloopers’ or ‘behind the scenes’ adult movie. Why? Because you’ll discover just how tedious and well…fake the whole enterprise is, and you may never again be able to suspend your disbelief long enough to blow your butter. You’ll be in the middle of a hot porn scene and then think to yourself ‘that dude looking all orgasmic is probably still wearing his pants below the frame.’ Nothing good can come of it. Likewise, avoid DVDs that include lengthy interviews with the stars. I know you want to get to know the object of your most kinky fantasies…but trust me here, you really don’t. With a few notable exceptions, porn babes as a group are not known for their brilliance in the linguistic arts, and listening to your favorite fantasy fuck struggle awkwardly through a simple interview can have lasting negative impacts on your ability to enrage the little general in the future.
Never watch anything from Caballero Video. The venerable porn studio has been around forever and owns the rights to a bunch of really good classics, but their relentless cutting of corners in video transfer and replication quality have reduced these movies almost to the point of unwatchable. I was frankly amazed the last time I put one in…I didn’t realize it was physically possible to make a DVD look THAT bad. It’s as if they went looking for the worst VHS copies they could find, and made them the masters for the DVDs. Unless you enjoy pretending you’re living in the days of yore, when peering through the viewer of an antique film machine to watch grainy black and white 8mm loops of naked turn-of-the-century babes cavorting was all the rage – stick to the better studios, and pay a little extra.
I may get some blowback on this one but Max Hardcore is a nasty little man and no one should be contributing to his career. He started out a run-of-the-mill porn guy with a penchant for ass-banging girls in all sorts of imaginative ways but in an idiotic choice of career paths, decided to make his specialty rough anal sex with young girls. Not teens mind you, but the illusion of pre-teens. He only hired the youngest looking girls and dressed them up in pigtails and school uniforms to make them look younger. He made sets that looked like ice cream parlors and middle schools, and named his series ‘Cherry Poppers’, ‘Hardcore Schoolgirls’ and ‘Don’t fuck up my mommy’. His movies were a testament to misogyny and included verbal humiliation, spitting, slapping, peeing, and using a gynecological speculum to stretch girls’ buttholes to absurd dimensions. What a guy. He finally offended the wrong people and spent 2 years behind bars for obscenity, and that thankfully, was the end of his career. The last thing the adult industry needs is a guy who thinks it’s cool to pretend he’s sodomizing underage girls.
Avoid anything by Extreme Associates. Rob Black (Rob Zicari) is another talentless scumbag who pushed the limits of decency with porn and went to jail for a year as a result. During one particularly disgusting period, on the front page of the Extreme Associates website…the first thing you landed on (no warning page) was one girl gagging herself and yakking into another girl’s mouth. I know this because I saw it with my own eyes, and like accidentally spotting your fat naked uncle Harry bending over the bathtub… it’s just very hard to unsee. For most of us, watching people hurl is pretty far from why we like porn.
Watching movies from any of what we in the industry call the ‘low end’ studios can also be problematic. Maverick, who is gone now, broke new super-low-price barriers and made enemies quickly in the adult DVD world. However, within a year almost every other studio including some majors had matched Maverick’s bottom-line-busting price point and it changed many decent studios into bottom dwellers as a result. There’s only so low you can go when trying to recoup your costs from shooting an adult movie before you start losing your ass. So, in order to match Mavericks rock bottom prices, many studios started re-using scenes in multiple movies. Some released entire movies more than once with different covers. Many continue to do it to this day. When you start paying for the same scene over and over again, you know you’ve found a studio to avoid.
The studios in my best of 2021 roundup represent some of the best adult DVDs you can buy at the prices you see on our site. The movies mentioned in this article represent some of the worst. Choose wisely!