In my never ending quest to impart my decades of knowledge of all things adult to my horny faithful, here’s a list of little known factoids about the sights, sounds, and smells of pornography!
- The REAL reason many porn girls don’t want to shoot with tripodal black dudes is because their boyfriends and husbands are weirded out about it. Can’t say as I blame them. Your significant other comes home after a long day of being rump-reamed by 2 brothas with 11 and 12 inch cocks (respectively), and you’re telling us that wouldn’t give you a reason for pause? The problem is, insecurity about your johnson usually brings on episodes of wimpy behavior, which could in theory drive them back to the mammoth licorice love clubs. It’s a predicament.
- Pornstars are asked to do all kinds of movies, some of them based on specific fetishes. Hard working porn people don’t mind doing goofy stuff if it pays the bills so they may find themselves an active participant in a fetish that personally does nothing for them. This is where the ‘acting’ comes in. One star found herself on the set of a ‘sploshing’ video, which is basically a sloppy sex-fueled food fight with a bunch of naked people. Sounds like fun right? Unfortunately, the set was in a party store that had a slightly inclined tile floor. The girl who was the target of the sploshing was pelted repeatedly with balloons full of chocolate and vanilla pudding while others poured glitter, streamers and confetti all over her…all while engaged in various sex acts. What started out as a wild time turned into bruises, scrapes and cuts as everyone started slipping on the pudding-slathered tile floor and to add insult to injury, the pudding started going bad as the shoot went on resulting in a pervasive odor of rotting dairy to the scene. I’m guessing this put most of the cast and crew off pudding for months.
- Those facial cumshots that every porn-loving horndog seems to love? They can ‘cum’ at a price. One star was splooged directly in the eye so many times that it turned red and angry looking enough that her postman asked her if everything was alright.
- Speaking of eyes, if you think that being behind a camera will give you some separation from the more unpalatable aspects of porn, think again. One poor cameraman learned this the hard way while shooting an anal scene. The couple was attempting the reverse cowgirl position which is great for porn as everything you want to see is right there in glorious hardcore ass-penetrating detail. However, it’s a precarious position and occasionally the dude’s johnson can ‘pop out’ of the girl’s ass. Our intrepid stills shooter was in exactly the wrong place when this happened and a dick-load of ‘butt jelly’ (an industry term for a “slimy clear combination of lube and mucus that is unavoidable when shooting anal”) went airborne and hit him squarely in the eye. I think he probably had a claim with OSHA for that, and the paperwork would be priceless.
- There are no stunt men in porn. Those videos of chicks kicking dudes in the balls because they like it? There is no slight-of-foot here. Somebody got their balls kicked for real. If you enjoy having a naked woman kick you in the balls…repeatedly, this could be your chance to get into porn. I hear actors for this are in extremely short supply.
- One porn girl agreed to a shoot where she would be boinking a guy in a coffin that was buried underground for at least 15 minutes. A night vision camera projected the action onto an above ground screen. File under ‘not for the claustrophobic’.
- Porn shoots happen continuously and sometimes a girl finds herself in the middle of ‘that time of the month’ on the day of the shoot. The solution? Used makeup sponges up the vagina! While it may sound like a weird adult movie title itself, they soak up the blood and tint any that does escape a flesh color. So now you know.
- Keeping with the ‘gross stuff that happens at a porn shoot’ theme, let’s not forget queefing! When enough stuff is thrust in and out of a pussy over time, sometimes air gets trapped. It’s a lessor known law of physics. When it comes out it can sound quite funny… unless you’re in the middle of a passionate love scene. Then it’s hilarious.
- Porn may be the only industry where the women are paid better than the men. This is not surprising since literally the WHOLE point of porn is naked women. However, what’s a guy to do who wants to make a living in porn? There’s always gay porn but it’s safe to say that dudes who love the idea of boinking women for money will be much less enthusiastic about blowing guys for better money. For most straight guys, that’s a bridge too far. The only other option is to become incredibly attractive and maintain an erection for hours at a stretch. Those guys get paid on par with the girls.
- If I haven’t already destroyed your mental fantasy of porn chicks and their urgent desire to mount you like the man-pony you are, consider this: Most climaxes are shot first. That’s right…that dude who pulls out to launch his guy-goo in a geyser of ecstatic slimy splendor actually did this long before all that exquisite fucking you just watched. There’s a couple reasons porn directors do it this way. Shooting porn often involves uncomfortable positions, long days, and occasionally, partners who may not turn you on…at all. Dudes can be too tired and sore at the end of a shoot to cum. On the other hand, screwing girls is generally delightful, even if you’re doing it for money. After enough porn dudes blew their wads early and were unable to perform the all important money shot to complete the shoot, directors wised up and shot it first. That is the cold hard reality of it folks… No go out there and don’t make love like a porn star.