How Can I get into Porn?
If I had a nickel… Here’s the short answer for dudes: Get in line, have your act together, don’t be unattractive, don’t be fat, don’t be homeless, move to Chatsworth California, and forget it unless you’re packing at LEAST 8 solid inches and can get an erection on demand. 9 inches is better. Anything over that and you can ignore the rest of the criteria. The short answer for Babes: It’s easy! Sign here.
The truth is for dudes, trying to land a job in porn has never been easy. And historically, unless you could conjure up a big ol’ puffy at will and maintain it for hours on end… no one would hire you. One unintentional softie on set and word would get around. After all there’s nothing more disheartening for a porn director than a wistful male star with a noodly appendage. This unfortunate phenomenon gave birth to the position of ‘fluffer’, a girl on set whose entire job was to try and get the male talent erect by any means possible. I’m talking about the so-called ‘golden age of porn’ – back in the early Jurassic before Ron Jeremy started looking like a naked mole rat of Arabian descent, adult DVDs didn’t exist, and there was no such thing as Viagra.
These days, virtually anyone with a penis can maintain an erection for hours and showcase that erection on adult DVDs through the miracle of science. Viagra and Cialis are the obvious choices, but market competition among working studs has driven innovation, well…the porn version of it anyway. One actor forked over 80k to get a pneumatic pump installed in his little general so that he didn’t have to take any drugs to become a raging horndog. A few pumps on a bulb under his abdomen and voila! Instant boner. Another kept getting complaints from directors that while his erection was quite impressive, his balls hung so low as to block that annoying between-the-legs-shot that all porn directors seem compelled to include. I’m not sure how much his surgery cost, but suffice to say his nut sack no longer resembles a billy goat’s, and doesn’t block that ubiquitous porn camera angle.
Of course porn girls have always been way ahead of the guys when it came to surgical enhancements. These continue to include boob jobs, lip fillers, ass implants, nose jobs, permanent fake eyelashes, nipple enhancements, and my personal favorite – anal bleaching… because apparently there’s nothing more depressing than a brown sphincter. Many of these procedures will be recommended by the modeling agency who represents the fledgling porn star. And until American men stop wanting their fantasy porn chicks to be cartoonish caricatures of actual women – expect surgical ‘enhancements’ to continue to flourish in porn, and porn buttholes to continue to be overwhelmingly blonde.
I have yet to be asked ‘How can I get into porn?’ by a woman, so for the legions of men who think the idea of boinking porn chicks all day long and getting paid for it sounds pretty sweet, my answer is – Call a porn talent agent and go for it! But don’t give up your day job.
Johnson Bangerwell