Millennials and Ass-Licking – a Love Story

So I’m talking to a bunch of 30 somethings the other day and the subject of ass-licking comes up. When you sell adult DVDs for a living, topics like this arise during polite conversation with depressing frequency. It’s assumed I’m some kind of expert on all things kinky, and to be fair…maybe I am. It turns out that ass-licking is having a ‘moment’ with the generation that identifies with the turn of the new century, and they’re more than happy to give you all the gory details if you ask. Apparently, I had to ask.

 

Now I’m not here to discuss the potential risk/reward quotient of lapping at your honey’s bung hole, let’s just all agree it probably doesn’t feel terrible to be on the receiving end. It’s the idea of it that freaks me out, and I’m not alone. In a recent article in Cosmopolitan with the tragically woke title “What ass licking and eating ass feels like for women and people with vulvas”, several girls (and possibly some people with vulvas) weighed in with their rectum-wrangling opinions: “I was drunk and horny, [we] showered together, got all prepared… and it pretty much sobered me up and turned me off almost immediately. Big let-down, lol. I realised in that moment there’s a plethora of other body parts that feel better being licked than that one.” And this gem from another vulva-owning ass lickee: “Meh. Feels like a slug trying to crawl into your butthole. I don’t care for it.” Props for the cool analogy though!

 

However, many of the Cosmo girls thought it was the best thing since fake eyelashes: “Simply fucking incredible. Better than oral, better than sex.” Another fan of rectums offered up this timely advice: “Such a turn on ! If you like oral, then it’s nice to have someone go down on you all the way and all over. Just make sure you’re clean so bacteria isn’t transferred from your ass to your vagina or urethra.” You’ll notice she didn’t express a similar concern for the ass-licker’s mouth. Well alrighty then.

 

Each generation seems to need its own definition of kinky, and after the tumultuous 60’s with its hippies, free love and plentiful drugs, the 70’s with its disco dance-floor humping and plentiful drugs, the 80’s with its parking lot rock ‘n roll blowjobs and plentiful drugs, and the 90’s with its tranced-up pacifier-sucking rave sex and plentiful drugs…well there was nowhere left to go but WAY downtown…straight to the crapper…with plentiful drugs.

 

Of course, gay guys have been all about the butthole since the days of yore. But it is the final frontier for straight men and women (and apparently people with vulvas), and millennials have made it their hallmark. The rectal-lingual arts have become SO widespread that a search on them returns a little over 11 million results. Forgive me, but with so much ass-eating going on out there, one has to wonder if the participants are all brushing regularly. There’s so many anus-smoochers now that a plethora of slang has arisen to describe it: analingus, ass munching, tossing salad, rimming, and more recently eating cake (There’s a birthday party I could skip) all describe the romantic, consensual joining of tongue and ass.

 

As with every other cultural trend that suffers total ‘memefication’, ass-eating is already showing signs of being just so yesterday. In a world where leaving the house with your naked face uncovered marks you as a selfish troglodyte and danger to society, ass licking is becoming a quaint relic of a simpler time, when a bladder infection and horrible breath were considered a small price to pay for the unmistakable joy of feeling a slug trying to crawl into your butthole. These days, if you want to really be edgy and libido-forward, you don’t have any sex at all. Yeah…that’ll catch on.

 

Call me old fashioned, but I’m still a little asshole-shy when it comes to my tongue. Despite ass-eating becoming a bizarre badge of honor among millennials like this guy – “I’ve definitely overheard ‘Oh, you don’t eat ass?’ jokes between other men,” he says. “It’s almost emasculating to not do it now.” I remain nonplussed and avoid spreading my cheeks or those of another, for a vigorous rectal tongue-bath. Having said that, I hold no judgement against my ass-eating brethren, other than to be glad I’m out of the dating field where I might inadvertently kiss one. In the words of Marie Antoinette, ‘Let them eat cake’.

JB