The Way you do Those Things you do

I’ve been pretty hard on porn people in some of my earlier pieces so I’m going to go full porn-lackey here, and slather a steaming heap of adoration onto all the pornstars of the world, and the extent they will go to keep us horndogs and hosebeasts in a perpetual state of joyful rapture. Too flowery? Thank you people of porn for consistently making us all warm and runny. Now here’s the rub: What causes a raging hard-on for one man may cause a spontaneous nap for another. So porn people have responded with a dizzying array of increasingly outrageous sex acts, hoping to maintain maximum titillation, even among the most jaded of fans. Porn actors for their part, have risen to the challenge of remaining sexually relevant through kinky innovation, and for this – we salute them! While porn didn’t necessarily invent any of the following sex acts, it made them more accessible and perhaps even…cool. So when your girlfriend asks you to try a ‘butter-churner’ on her… you owe a debt of gratitude to porn, and the adult DVD she saw it on.

 

Deep Throat. Ever since Linda Lovelace played a sexually frustrated woman who discovers her clitoris is located halfway down her throat in the xxx movie of the same name, pornstars have responded by becoming the sword swallowers of this generation. Today, being able to garf down an 8 or 9 inch cock ‘til you’re chin-deep in balls, is not only a marketable skill – it looks great on a resume! Women the world over are more aware of their gag reflex than ever before.

 

The Gangbang. Marilyn Chambers was the first I’m aware of who took on 5 guys on a pool table in ‘Behind the Green Door’ and redefined sexual multitasking. Her dates positioned themselves in her ass, in her pussy, in her mouth, and she still had the presence of mind – not to mention the hand dexterity, to jerk off two more. Impressive! If you don’t think this is talent, then YOU get on a pool table and try it.

 

Weird porn positions. The Kama Sutra has nothing on modern porn. Some more memorable ‘only in porn’ positions include:

• The ‘Pile Driver’ (aka the Butter churner) where the girl does a shoulder stand on the floor, while the guy standing over her ‘drives’ his wiener into her crotch vertically. Not recommended for girls with existing neck problems because this will create one anyway. My dick doesn’t go that way unless I’m really bored so I’ve never tried this one.
• The Standing 69 (aka the upside-down blowjob). Here a dude with a good back holds the babe upside down and eats her out while she blows him. Hopefully one of them gets off before anybody passes out.
• The Full Nelson fuck. Just like it sounds but worse – a guy sits with a girl on his lap facing away from him. He grabs her legs and pulls them back far enough that he can clasp his hands behind her head, and proceeds to fuck her from underneath in whatever orifice is handy, ideally finishing before she starts to turn blue.
• The Spit Roast. The girl is on all fours and one guy boinks her from behind while another gets a blowjob, mimicking the double impalement of a rotisserie. It’s important that the guys get their thrusts synchronized to avoid turning the girl’s torso into an accordion.
• The couch twerk. The guy sits on the couch (this comes naturally for most guys), the girl sits on his lap facing away from him, bends her legs under and leans forward with her hands on the floor. Great position for all you rectum-watchers out there.

 

If you’ve noticed that these positions always require the girl to be contorted into a pretzel shape – that’s because they were all thought up by men.

 

Double Penetration. Because in porn an orifice is a terrible thing to waste. A porn DVD staple these days and a prerequisite for all working porn girls. Girls, if the thought of two super-sized cocks straddling your pudendum gives you the heebee-jeebees, you may want to rethink the whole porn career thing.

 

Double Anal/Vaginal. Because if one penis in your favorite orifice is good…two must be better right? A number of porn girls do this now in defiance of all rational thought. The guys need to be pretty good friends, comfortable with sharing, and not suffer from Claustropeniphobia (the fear of your cock sharing a small space with another cock).

 

Triple Penetration. If you succeed at this one, you may qualify for Cirque du Soleil. As you can imagine, it’s a bit of a logistical nightmare as a trio of guys have to choreograph their entrances to pull it off. Which orifice gets the extra dick is optional. Maybe they draw straws. First to accomplish this penile juggling act was Annabel Chong of ‘The World’s Biggest Gangbang’ Fame. A quick search finds at least 10 others who’ve managed to squeeze three wangs into their happy place at once. Think of these girls as the Stretch Armstrongs of porn.

 

ATM (Ass to Mouth). The act of taking a cock that is currently in the ass of a very good friend, pulling it out and sticking it in your mouth. Whoever thought this one up had some serious issues. Most porn girls will do this…if you pay them extra.

 

Machine Sex. As if pleasing a woman wasn’t hard enough already, now there are machines that can wring orgasm after orgasm from a willing babe with the flick of a switch. Once they teach machines to listen, it’s all over for us. From the Sybian (a pommel horse shaped contraption with a vibrating, rotating, pulsating thingy that just about anyone in their right mind would want to sit on), to horizontal fucking machines with a variety of attachments and speeds, to vibrating butt plugs you control remotely with your phone, machines are going to take over the world, one crotch at a time.

 

Cuckold. There’s no logical explanation for it, but a wimpy husband watching a massively dicked stud bang the bejeezus out of his wife is inexplicably hot.

 

Squirting. The first movie to deal with female ejaculation was ‘The Grafenberg Spot’ with Ginger Lynn. Part myth and part movie magic, the “G-Spot” is supposed to enable female arousal to the point that the vagina spontaneously starts shooting fluid all over the place …what kind of fluid no one is quite sure. There are enough believers (and even a few scientific studies) that I don’t doubt some women probably ‘squirt’…but I have a nagging suspicion that they may just be peeing on the bed…or their partner’s face, and anyone else who is in the line of fire. In porn, girls are now gushing jets of love juice across the room like a broken fire hydrant – the result of loading up their pussies with water before a scene. Alas, whether a girl’s pussy is launching a volley of girl sauce through trickery or nature…it’s hard to not be turned on by it.

 

The orgy. Big sweaty piles of naked people humping is a porn mainstay, but has been around since early humans first discovered they all had gonads. Some things just don’t need updating. If you don’t get turned on by 30 naked people screwing with mindless abandon…it may be time to find a hobby.

JB